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  Dave Hire

  March 1st, 2012 at 2:14 am

  I want to declare iliza’s B-Day to be a nationally observed holiday! I don’t know iliza personally, but I had the best day. One good thing after another. Like magic I got the day off with pay and everything else I wanted. However, Iliza Day should have 30 hours in it. Feb 23rd can start 6:00am from now on.

  Also, iliza is NOT excused from age 28. I heard that the other ages; 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, and 21 ALL want her back.

  BEING STOCKED: about being stocked, I know first hand how that feels. You would think that it’s every man’s dream to be stocked by a good loo0king girl… unless she’s a PSYCHO BITCH! IT’S NOT FUN! Resttraining orders did not work. It’s like putting a sign in the store window “NO SHOPLIFTING ALLOWED”, that doesn’t stop shoplifters. Eventually I had a witness. Be nice to ALL ladies, and appreciate them, you can live longer and happier.

  The Iliza B-Day celebration week continued…
  Because Lucas said it was iliza’s fault, I dug up some Lucas facts. First, phrases that need to be Excused.

  Phrase #1: Dating tip 375, rule “girls can’t drink guys under the table” no longer exists… thank you Lucas. Way to go bro

  Phrase #2: The dumb phrase “talk to the hand” just got dumber.

  Phrase #3: “It doesn’t hurt to ask” unless you’re Lucas. According to a reliable source, on Lucas’s most recent date (he got one?!?) he asked, “marbles… I-want-to-sex-you-up?” at which his date pulled out nunchucks and throwing stars and yelled “Oh HELL no mutha fu-ker! Yo! You can’t even do a mafuggin pushup! Wus up bitch!” Lucas got hurt asking a question.

  This news story just in… An unemployable out of work gay stunt man, Lucas, has been cutting corners. He found a cheaper hair stylist. He just got the first glow in the dark dark mushroom haircut that includes sound effects pkkk pfff BOOM! Yes ladies and gentlemen, The first glow in the dark haircut. People can hear him coming a mile a way. It sounds like his head is constantly farting. It sounds like a bunch of balloons being released of air simultaneously. The only person who can easily be seen from outerspace, not good for us as a human race. Lucas thinks he looks cool this way, but let’s not tell him what people really think. His wife, Square Eyed Squshy Pants likes it, because now they can make the same squishy sounds together in a strange kind of harmony.

  Finally, some advice for Lucas. On dates, don’t do 4 half-assed. The pie chart does not apply here. 4 parts do not make a whole ass, just an asshole doing half-assed things as a whole on a date. Sorry for Lucas for real, the only woman who he could date (Casey Anthony) is currently in hiding.

  This is what Lucas gets for saying that it was iliza’s fault. It was LUCAS’S fault!!! FUCK THAT FUCKER!!!

  Thank you for your B-Day iliza! And whoever said “poor Blanche” it’s really “lucky Blanche”

  As is as always, keep up the great work and looking great! Nothing like a good workout